Year Ender

2011. What a year. I really can't describe it in one word or even one sentence. But I can divide it in four parts just like the usual quarter but the number of months are not equal. I would say that I both have an equal share of happy and sad days, battled intrapersonal issues and faced anxiety head strong, this time no longer avoiding it like I'm playing dodge ball.

The First Part: January to April

Riding from the awesomeness of 2010, I started the year with positive vibes yet with a pinch of anxiety and uncertainty. However because I was still high from the previous year I did not let that impending feeling get to me and I was also distracted from the busy and exhausting duty days of OB-Gyne. But that was the time I really learned a lot and polished my skills and know how of the said subject. Sinulog came and it was epic! We got drunk in the rain and partied like any Sinulog reveler would - hardcore.

To distract myself, I usually go out for a movie or just watch one at home or go out, drink and play Trivia with my friends - both old and new.

March, my biggest triumph was changing other people's perception of me. Then the summer came. I knew it will be that last, I just don't know why, but despite the aborted yet promised summer getaway with my medical school barkada, I rebounded by spending a memorable summer with my fellow post graduate interns which consisted of a road trip to Mantayupan falls, the glamorous Mafia Wars themed photo shoot, a medical mission in Pilar, Camotes with a stop over at Ormoc City, karaoke after party and a day of island hopping.

And yes, PGI year ended with a high note. And I started to miss my eleven colleagues whom I got to know really really well.

The Second Part: May to July

This has been the most boring period of my life thus far. All I did was eat, study, eat, study, eat and sleep. Life became so routine that I had to spice it up by working out and restricting calories in my diet. It resulted to losing ten pounds and looking like an emaciated malnourished kid. I'd sometimes occasionally sneak out to have a night of carefree fun or by watching movies. This was the slowest part of the year. Enough said. And yes I also had a sort of falling out with some closest friends but right now we are fixing it now. And one month before my exams unfortunately some drama has risen and threatened to destroy something important but I fought back and every thing is at least almost back to normal, it seems.

The Third Part: August to September

This was the turning point. August came and I took the board exams and passed. The feeling of euphoria cannot be quantified by any scale. It lasted for about two weeks. I took a flight to Manila, pigged out, walked around, finally went to Bicol and tried wakeboarding in Camarines Sur and saw Mayon Volcano in Albay up close. When the euphoria died down, it was replaced by an even greater anxiety of magnanimous proportions. I was so overwhelmed and at the same time disappointed of some circumstances that were not in my control. As a result I relapsed back to binge eating, imbibing too much alcohol and felt so lost to the point that I don't know what to to do or how to move forward.

September came and the anxiety continued. I turned to hanging out with my trivia buddies, documentaries on TV, music, booze and sleeping late to get me through the day and week. I was engulfed by the fear of the uncertainty and being broke. I had my oath taking and did not even bring my parents to the event because at that time I did not feel worthy. The weekend after the ceremony, I traveled with my good friend Rona to Cagayan de Oro City and Bukidnon and that did wonders. It cleared my head and I finally was able to shake off all the bad vibes. I went back to Cebu after a weekend of motorcycle ridin', ziplinin', zorbing, and white water raftin' with a new perspective. Then I got a job.

The Fourth Part: October to December

And I finally started working which was swell. I regained my self esteem back and distracted my self while working. I met new and interesting people as well. I now know how it feels to be working for a good for nothing agency which does not give our paychecks on time. But still I stuck around because there was no other option and I had some freedom as well despite the maltreatment. Then the hospital I applied for a residency called and I took the examinations. And still waiting for results of whether I got in or not. And because of this the anxiety, self-doubt and uncertainty came back with a vengeance. This time I felt like a loser, made for myself a low maintenance comfort zone.

November came and I continued pretending. There were some days in which I had to drag my ass out of bed, put on a smile for everyone but deep inside I was feeling empty and unfulfilled. Alcohol filled the gap two to three times a week. I've embodied self confidence yet my heart was self loathing.

For the holidays I began to change and saw the silver lining of what I have been going through. Through family, close friends and a very close friend whom I've had a talk who was and is currently in the same state as me made me realize there is indeed more to life. And the year ended with a bang, as I've had the time of my life during my tenth year high school reunion. It made me realize how good to be alive and for that I should be thankful.

Overall if this year were plotted on a graph, the contrast between the highs and the lows will result in a scattered diagram. It was indeed a colorful year and maybe I did not love it as much as 2010 because not every thing I wanted went my way. For 2010 I did not even summon the Universe to conspire with me it was just given. But right now I am in my late twenties and I should be more open to possibilities, just take it easy and just relax. Enjoy life. Splurge a bit. And just wait, in God's time, it will happen. Every time I am threatened by failure I shouldn't dig a hole and curl up in fetal position. And I should stop comparing myself to other people. I will try my hardest. I am also disappointed at myself for not completing my bucket list. I made ten last summer but I was only able to do four. I lost my zest for it. I will try to complete it this year. And add more.

I will not do any resolutions as I've learned that you can just do one anytime of the year, not necessarily on the first day of the year. I am looking forward to a better, brighter and more awesome 2012 cheers!

Inspired by Stephen King, here are my Top 20 of the Year (A mix of music, movies, TV and pop culture), in random order.

1.) Foster The People and their "Torches" Album
2.) Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
3.) Mildred Pierce Mini Series
4.) Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami
5.) Adele and her "21" album
6.) The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
7.) Hidden Cities on History Channel
8.) Drive
9.) Prince William and Kate Middleton's Royal Wedding
10.) Roger Federer - for still proving to us tennis fans that he still got it!
11.) Novak Djokovic - for an amazing year in tennis, a superstar in the making
12.) Dallas Mavericks - for the best upset of the year
13.) The Kennedy's Miniseries
14.) X-Men First Class
15.) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
16.) Katy Perry and her "Teenage Dream" album
17.) Bridesmaids
18.) The Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson
19.) The Hangover 2
20.) Flavored yogurts

The 100th

Its about time I should say. Finally after three years and three months, this is it, my one hundredth post. When a TV show has reached its one hundredth episode a party is held in honor because reaching 100 episodes (that's about five seasons) is an amazing feat. A milestone to be cherished.

This blog became a witness to the events unfolding of my quite pathetic life, really starting when I was twenty four. I was in junior year in medical school, insecure but not showing it to my classmates, lost and confused and it feels like I am behind a waterfall - everything is blurry right in front of me. Career plans, options, medical jargon and life in general that time. In a way this blog has help me overcome all of those things.

Speaking of milestones, here are some of those unforgettable moments that I have experienced in between those one hundred entries.

1.) My internship which I really had huge doubts and was anticipating it to go downhill but it was not as bad as it initially seems. It was a year of learning, a test of patience and perseverance and pushing yourself to the limits. I have fond memories of it, but I would not do it over again.

2.) My parents renewed their vows on their silver wedding anniversary. At first they just wanted to travel abroad and spend time together but at the last minute, six weeks before the date, they then decided to do a renewal of vows ceremony. Despite the short notice, it was a solemn ceremony. And simple too - a trait my parents have embodied for the past twenty five years.

3.) My medical school graduation. And yes graduating from medical school with a majority of your sanity intact is no easy task. And studying to become a doctor leaves behind some neurotic tendencies.

4.) My post graduate internship, one of the best months of my life. One year full of learning, meeting new and interesting people, gaining confidence and further development of clinical skills and knowledge. Plus doing all those hectic duties, overwhelming workloads while having loads of fun. I could not ask for more. All I have of this magnificent year is good and unforgettable memories.

5.) The board examinations and all the drama, blood, sweat and tears. Honestly it was the most boring three months of my life. I would prefer having some action and then studying instead of just reading pages after pages of thick medical books. But I have to put this in here because looking back one lesson learned from this daunting three months was if you put your mind and heart into it and show the universe with all your effort it shall be done!

6.) And passing the medical board examinations and finally getting my license. It was very euphoric as if you are walking on clouds. Though most of my classmates consider this the highlight of the year, and I think I should but in my case being alive and healthy this year tops that. And yeah, I did not like the feeling when the gears switched to anxiety, followed by uncertainty.

7.) Having my first paying job and with this I got to realize how hard it is to earn nowadays.

And for the past 36 months I've been tested and tried, I stumbled, fell and got up with more bruises and cuts, I've met new people and formed relationships and traditions with them, I rekindled with old friends and strengthen those bonds making them stronger that covalent bonds, I've drifted with people, some I have cut off from my life, I've made peace with the Universe, I've come to appreciate family more, I got a thicker skin, I've grasped a whole lot of information but mostly trivial, I've learned things mostly the hard way.

In between victories and defeat, friends and enemies, fights and make ups, falling outs and career options, happy days and alcohol filled nights, highs and lows, ups and downs, clarity and uncertainty, this blog grew with me. All these things mentioned tied up together makes up my so called life. I have a love hate on and off relationship with it but I am trying to embrace it. And hey isn't those things make up what is life about? Cheers to the Good Life!

I wonder which milestones will happen as I go onwards to my two hundredth post?

2001

It will be my ten year high school reunion in two days. I have been excited with this event since high school graduation (really) and I have been playing over and over in my mind how it will turn out. But as the day got closer I am starting to lose the giddy feeling. Yeah I am that preoccupied on something. But nonetheless since I was and still is looking forward to this day I will get my child like enthusiasm back.

2001 was the year I graduated from high school. Ten years. And now it never seemed like yesterday. Because it was indeed not so yesterday. But I never get that "parang kailan lang" feeling anymore that I used to. A lot of things has happened personally and also for the rest of mankind.

Here are some of the random memories I have of that year.

1.) It was the year of the Snake. I had a cousin, Therese who was born a month before high school graduation.
2.) The minimum fare in the jeepneys was four pesos, now it's seven pesos and fifty cents but the drivers don't have fifty cents change so you'd end up paying eight pesos. Sci-Hi to Ayala, you pay six pesos, now you pay ten pesos.
3.) A movie ticket costs thirty five pesos for deluxe and forty pesos for premiere. And SureSeats.com was non existent. Now admission prices range from one hundred sixty to two hundred pesos.
4.) Two hundred pesos gets you a movie, a meal at a fast food joint, arcade tokens and games from Timezone. Now it only gets you a movie and jeepney fare.
5.) There was no SRP yet so it takes about almost an hour to get to Talisay on heavy traffic. Now it's about fifteen minutes.
6.) The World Trade Center Towers were still standing in New York
7.) When I graduated the average peso dollar exchange rate was fifty five pesos for one dollar. I remembered I exchange a fifty dollar graduation gift when it rose to fifty six pesos!
8.)Ipods were still not marketed. But Discmans that can read CDs in MP3 formats were considered high tech!
9.) Cellphones with colored LCDs were not yet available. And yup a 3310 was sold for eight thousand pesos!
10.) Yes, life was indeed simpler way back then.

The Christmas Countdown: The Week of Christmas and Christmas Eve

December has been really fast. The weather has been really unpredictable. Typically it is colder than usual with the temperature dropping to the late twenties. Then the next morning it feels like summer - very humid and hot!

This month my feelings and mood have been as ambivalent as the weather. There are times in which I wake up with a good enthusiastic feeling and there are times when all I want to do is lay in bed, watch documentaries on TV and read books. But I usually fight the urge and console myself of the finances I might be losing by being absent from work. And when I get to work, I am distracted partially by my patients. Indeed, immersing yourself into work can be therapeutic in the short term. Alcohol has become a comfort food.

Probably the source of all this is uncertainty. I've always have a fear of uncertainty but for years I have manage to dodge it. But now all I can do is relax for the mean time and cross the bridge when I get there. This time avoidance is not the solution anymore but to face it head first, with a leap of faith without any parachutes. I am coping with alcohol, good food and making a low maintenance comfort zone that I am very determined to keep up to the point that I have withdrawn myself and has resorted to cutting off people.

Anyway, overall December was and still is great. Although right now I can't seem to fully appreciate it but I know looking back I will never forget this December, ever. The month in which I have perfected the art of exuding confidence and then counteracted with self loathing after. In short, this December also has a lot of memories and milestones.

1.) This year I am so proud of myself for picking out for my inaanaks early. I did a bit of panic shopping for my family and housemates but I did pretty well. I did not go beyond budget!

2.) I only attended two get togethers this year. One with the nurses and colleagues in the hospital and the other with my high school berks. Both were a blast. I have never laughed so hard for quite a while without being intoxicated. Till next year guys!

3.) I feel so sorry for the people in CDO, Iligan and Negros affected by the wrath of Sendong. It is so terrible and unfortunate and to make it worse it happened on the most wonderful time of the year. My prayers go out to all the people who died, who have lost someone and to those people who survived that they may continue to live and start all over again.

4.) A classmate's mom, which is also a fellow colleague, past away because of a brain tumor. She was an amazing woman, a well respected pediatrician and though I did not know her personally, I'm sure she was a person with a good heart as she was able to raise wonderful kids. Condolences to the bereaved family.

5.) Christmas is a holiday for kids. The older you get you feel more and more disconnected with it. For me Christmas is another excuse to eat and eat, drink and drink and of course spend time with the family!

6.) I watched "Love Actually" earlier today and that movie never fails to cheer me up every holiday season for almost ten years now. It is like a well baked Christmas treat, fresh from the oven with the right amount of sweetness, moisture and texture!

I know in time I will shake of these not so pleasant vibes, I am very thankful for everything I have though my actions say so otherwise.

Merry Christmas to all!

The Christmas Countdown: Two Weeks Till Christmas

Christmas has always been about tradition. And keeping and continuing them with people who matter.

For our family, our usual Christmas tradition is a Christmas Eve dinner complete with lechon. As far as I can remember, we've always did this. Before 1997, it was held at my maternal grandmother's house but now it has been regularly done in our house for fourteen years now. It is just a simple dinner composed of home cooked meals but occasionally there were times in which my mother had to order food. All of my mother's and father's siblings along with their families come to the house to eat dinner. And some of their cousins too and even extended relatives. Its catch up time and sometimes wine, beer or punch is served. By ten o' clock most of the guests start going home to attend mass or to prepare Noche Buena. During this time my parents start giving out the gifts under the tree. Then we wait for twelve o' clock. When the clock strikes midnight, we pray, light some fireworks, exchange and open gift and then eat our Noche Buena. We wake up late the next day and then attend late afternoon mass.

Last year, my high school friends and I started a new tradition that we have continued for the second year in a row. We have a Christmas party at Charisse and Reil's place. We picked out a color scheme for our outfits, do a potluck, each person has to prepare some games, exchange gifts, sing karaoke, talk and just laugh.

Last weekend we had our Christmas gathering and as expected it was a blast! This year green was our color and for our food, it was half healthy and half sinful and for the Secret Santa it was something spiky. I brought Fresh Fruits in Yogurt and Honey for something healthy and Orange Walnut Brownies for something sinful. I had so much laughing and reminiscing, playing games and eating without watching the calories.

Family and friends indeed complete the holidays. And to know that they are around healthy and safe is something that is worth treasuring. Till next year guys!

Here are the highlights from last weekend's awesome party:


Group Shot!


Another group shot. A Merry Merry Green Christmas!


With Kring, my Secret Santa. I gave her Spiky Earrings!


With Chloe, my uber cute adorable inaanak!


The One who got my name!


Playing board games till the wee hours of the morning.


The half healthy half sinful menu


Enjoyed playing the trivia betting game!


Thanks for the shirt Julio!

The Christmas Countdown: Three Weeks Before Christmas

Okay, so because of my stupidity in mathematics I'll be doing two posts this week so I could squeeze one more post next week to make it five posts so that it will be a five week to Christmas countdown.

Funny thing, I've noticed that most Christmas parties this year have the nostalgia theme. I think I had heard five of those going on. I ask a friend on Facebook on why most parties are on such a trend this year. She said "People are trying to live in the past or just running out of ideas". I think its more of the former.

Here is a quote about nostalgia from a movie that I enjoyed watching "Midnight in Paris".

"Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present... the name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present."

Speaking of nostalgia, here are some photos of previous holiday seasons of the past four to five years. I would have wanted to post pics from hard copies of numerous pictures I had using my old Fuji camera but my scanner got busted. These will do and will serve this post's purpose.


The day after Christmas 2009, Dawnah and I met up over lunch to exchange gifts and just catch up. Before this meeting it had been five months since we last saw each other in person.


It was a fun December with the Surgery Department at CVGH as we did our surgical rotation with the coolest residents ever! We also did a lunch and a Secret Santa.


Christmas 2010 with the Big Bang Burger and we also exchange gifts and talked about the past and hoped for the future.


Batch Christmas Party 2008. We did a fashion week theme. As you can see I went all out trying to emulate Penshoppe's collection that year.


Dance presentation with my Clinic Group mates during Christmas Party 2008 and yes we won first place!


Secret Santa at the newly opened Terraces Holidays 2008. This was very spontaneous. This was the only time that we can all be together so we went for it and had loads of fun!


Group Christmas party at Tippi's place with the ever bubbly Dr. Sanchez. One of the best facilitators I've ever had in medical school! Christmas 2007.


Christmas 2007 photo shoot!


A unique Christmas decor from last year - Christmas 2010


A very 90's Christmas with my high school berks. We did a 90's theme last year from the Secret Santa and even the games!


With my post graduate interns from last year, man this was wild and unforgettable. Just think about this: 30 bottles of beer and 4 liters of tequila just for ten people!


Christmas 2005 with my college barkada. This marked the first Christmas as professionals as three months earlier we took the board examination and we all passed. It has become a tradition in Donna's house to have the barkada Christmas party.

The Christmas Countdown: Four Weeks Before Christmas

I really do have dumb arithmetic skills. I think I should have done my post a week earlier if I am following the five week before Christmas countdown. Oh well. Let's not sweat the small stuff because it's Christmas time!

When I woke up this morning and dragged my tired ass on the way to work, I felt for the first time that Christmas is already in the air. There was a cold breeze, reminiscent of Decembers past who accompanied me on my hour long journey to the hospital today and on the way back from a full day of examining patients I was treated to Christmas lights of different styles, motifs and sizes. Plus tonight the air is colder as well that I just had to play Glee's Christmas album Vol. 2.

Of course like any person its hard for you to shake off your inner childhood during the Yuletide season. This means getting gifts, money and vouchers. And also shopping for family, friends, inaanaks and for thyself!

I usually make a wish list every year. Sometimes its too early, sometimes I do it on Christmas Eve. Some years I posted it here, others on one of the countless journals I have kept. Its fun. It never ever gets old! Though you don't actually get all of it, it really is awesome when someone gives you some of it. So for the sake of tradition and shouting to the universe, here it is:

Christmas Wish List - Material Things:

1.) A Book (I'm such dork) - 1Q84 or The Elephant Vanishes by Haruki Murakami, Survivor by Chuck Palahnuik, and A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby.
2.) A Graphic Novel - Blankets by Craig Thompson, Ghost World by Daniel Cowley and From Hell by Alan Moore
3.) Skater shoes - any brand as long as I can wear it to formal events
4.) T-shirts - Department stores such as SM and Robinsons both have affordable yet good quality selections
5.) Long sleeeved Shirts - From People are People or Forever 21
6.) A DSLR - so I can take photography lessons
7.) A Yoga Mat - so I can attend yoga sessions or do it on my own at home
8.) New Doc Martens or military boots from Forever 21- I want a newer one
9.) Coffeetable book - anything on Film, Travel or Pop Culture
10.) This Book Will Change your Life Planner - It's quirky and fun!

Christmas Wish List - Immaterial Things

1.) A Spot for Residency of my choice so that I can start by early or mid next year
2.) Good health to myself, family and friends
3.) Stronger bonds among friends
4.) More opportunities for my family members
5.) Peace in Cebu City, the Philippines and the whole world.
6.) That I shan't lose my drive and zeal for work and career
7.) More interesting people to meet
8.) Gaining more confidence and lesser on the inferiority complex
9.) Being able to do things that I really want
10.) Goals for next year be achieved

So there you go, I am such a traditional dork and an old fashioned bibliophile. Even a shirt of my favorite cartoon or comic character makes me happy.

I'm just giddy of the upcoming events this December that its very hard for me to study: Christmas parties with my high school barkada, get togethers with more intimate friends, my high school's tenth year reunion, Noche Buena at home and exchanging gifts, shopping at bazaars and clearance sales, lechon and booze on New Year's Eve and a whole lotta more!