Anxiety and Bittersweet Endings

Tonight, despite the fact that I still have to study for tomorrow's finals on Family and Community Medicine, I have to take a break to get myself together because just 20 minutes ago my anxiety level went up! This is not attributed to coffee, I'm already moderately resistant to the adrenergic effects of caffeine, but a mixture of apprehension for internship, anticipation for summer and nervousness of the possibility that I might get an extension on Internal Medicine. I am biting my fingernails like hell and I am a bit scared that I might have failed the OSCE. At least for Pediatrics I don't have any extensions but I have to comply with the repeat written exam tomorrow and repeat practical exam on Monday. Fuck. Oh well at least and hoping that after this I'll be cleared already.

I am also amazed at the same time that Junior Year will hopefully be over tomorrow meaning I don't have to repeat it. I don't want to be cocky and start acting that I have passed due to the disastrous finals of OB-Gyne and Surgery last week. But this week it's very very good! Praying fervently that I had made up the wasted points already. Sigh. It has come full circle already. I am excited and was really looking forward to summer weeks ago but the thought that it might be the last hurrah before the storm just sends me into jitters that affect the core out of me. I am happy but at the same time I can't explain this sensation that's more or less like butterflies in the stomach plus slight paresthesias at times. I should be happy. Kind of like Heath Ledger winning an Oscar, triumphant yet he's no longer with us. Left a legacy but bittersweet victory for which he wasn't able to accept it in person and bask in its glory with his peers.

The T-shirts that we've ordered which was supposed to come out a week ago has been delayed already and I was about to get it today, before dinner after so much tardiness but damn it still hasn't pushed through it would be at lunch time after tomorrow and I am so stressed already because I hate apologizing to people! Ugh! I am really pining that I will finally get it tomorrow afternoon as promised. No other time.

Breathe in, Breathe out, One step at a time...

That's why I need yoga so badly but shit, the yoga center in BTC closed. So my efforts of getting sweaty on a humid March afternoon, braving the heavy Banilad-Talamban traffic, inhaling dirty polluted semi-urban air and dodging speeding vehicles was useless. Oh my oh my!

Desperately need to get away this weekend to obtain peace of mind. Yeah and I desperately fancy a fag. Oh crap!