Ends and Beginnings

This week will be the last one of normalcy and routine. For 10 months that means, small group discussion, junior clerkship, reading at the library with naps in between and basically the last few days of us being students, come this April, we will be interns.

Everyone is hoping that they will make it but at the same time dreading it due to its huge demands, unreasonable hours, unpredictable situations and stress and lack of sleep. I have never been this ambivalent towards something. When Junior Year started, I was the only ballsy student looking forward, eager to start and secretly wishing that third year would just be skipped. After all, we have to go through it anyways. The moment you enrolled yourself in med school it is inevitable. Like death. It's a crucial stage in any one's quest to be a physician. You can't be a doctor if you can't complete one year of grueling, mind bending, back breaking, eye popping training. Package inclusive of sleepless nights monitoring morbid patients that might die any hour due to fate or negligence, finger spasms due to countless histories and progress notes of gazillion patients, discharge summaries, shouts, insults and harsh comments from underpaid and overworked residents any time day or night and most of all lost of normal routine of physiological existence - skipping meals and forgetting the feeling of waking up after a wonderful night's sleep.

As it draws near, I can wait and I am concocting up ideas of how to derail fate from beginning. But then I realize it's unstoppable. So I surrendered and let go. Hence every since I did as I've mentioned in a previous post I've been living and cherishing every moment of this borrowed time that will soon be taken away. Then when it will be returned I'll never be the same again. Scarred and haggard, abuse and over challenged but I am hoping that I will be a stronger person and a better practitioner. In the end all those obstacles that were overcame have given me something in returns. That's all I'll look forward to at the end of this ordeal.

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Ma and Pa's 25th Wedding Anniversary Renewal of Vows will be in a week. Last Sunday, it was the end of my anxiety as it was confirmed that we will be wearing Barongs. I can't even begin to explain why I have this personal aversion to donning it. My twisted brain associates with Halloween. All I need is gruesome make-up and cotton balls at my huge nostrils then I'll be nominated for Best in Costume. I wanted to wear a suit or a blue long sleeved shirt with a silver tie and a Fedora hat. Since my parents are traditional and conservative they opted for Barong. So I again gave up and secretly cringed at the thought. Man, they are freaking expensive! 3,000 php! I have no choice but to get on with it.

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I haven't been watching any TV shows lately. Haven't downloaded any new movies from torrent of updated my iPod play list.

If ever I do watch TV, I am so addicted to MYX Backtraxx every 11.30 pm. It relaxes me reminiscing the good ol' days since right now they are featuring 90's videos 3 - 4 times a week. Music hits from high school mostly which were dear to my heart. I get nostalgic more than usual. It's like those videos literally bring be back in time and I remember vividly of what I was doing that time when those songs were overplayed on TV or on the radio. Talk about waste of brain gigabytes! One time they even played songs from college, which I still think was not so long ago but the videos like Milkshake by Kellis and Cry Me a River from Justin Timberlake surprisingly had a feeling that they were old. And if I don't like the play list set I just go to Maxx and watch Attack of the Show, a lifestyle program that features movies, Internet sites and mainly gadgets. I am not a techie boy but I get a kick out listening to features regarding digital cameras and games and the hosts Kevin and Olivia are so fun because they are so game!

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I've been buying books lately but not as much as I used to. I think I managed to buy one to two books per month - at discounted or really cheap prices and yes, I admit I still didn't have time to open most of them. As much as I wanted to read books after exams or during clinics after progress notes, my incompetent brain could not keep up so I end up sleeping or watching a movie at home instead or web surfing. Last month I bought (finally) Blindness by Jose Saramago and PostSecret, mini coffee table book both of which I got 20% off the original price. This month I bought Peace Breaks Out by John Knowles for 30 php and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist for 269 php. The latter book I contemplated for a month before getting it but heck this will be worth it anyway since I can read this in 4 hours or so. I gave in.

My group mates from Clinics started reading books. Since Surgery is a relatively less stressful rotation, they've been bringing books to read. What flatters me most of all (yup, a little narcissistic here) is they asked me for recommendations. I lent The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger and told them to buy Dear John by Nicholas Sparks and of course they loved it! They even ask for more wonderful books to read. Hey I can do this for a living mate! I even gave them advises on where and when to buy to maximize and get your moneys worth when it comes to books! And to think I was doing the emo trip thinking I was the most boring person in class since I don't play DOTA and poker like the other boys do and I don't party and go out as much like the other girls like before. I prefer getting cozy up in my bed watching a foreign film or reading a book or a magazine Monday nights after exams.

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At the same time, summer is coming! It's about to start! My other favorite time of the year after Christmas. At least that something to look forward to aside from getting freaked out by internship. I have to hit the beach or else I'll go crazy! I will finally pursue a crash course in Yoga and making up for lost time with friends by making them scrapbooks. Plus I will bake banana muffins and learn simple Filipino dishes. Yikes hopefully I don't have any extensions

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I want to take the Pedia repeat written exam already to get this over with and failing the practical exam in which you did well just annoys me. I want to be done with it already and ace it! I am so not gonna be a pediatrician in this lifetime. Sorry guys!

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I met up with a classmate from high school yesterday to settle the plan group T-shirt we want. I really really want our Group Clinics T shirt to be printed for it will be a souvenir of the good times learning together. I am excited! Hopefully we can get it next week or during finals week.

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And those are the things that I am preoccupied with that I find significant. The rest are just attempts in trying to sleep and suppress anxieties that I think need pharmacological intervention already.  Yup and trying not to be melodramatic again and again and again....