When I Grow Up

Ever since I was six or seven years old, I already knew the answer to that question when asked: What do you want to be when you grow you up? I enthusiastically would reply: "I want to be a doctor". It was precocious at least for a child as young and it probably impressed my parents and their friends. In our clan, we only have one doctor in the family, my aunt, which is my mom's older sister. Most of my relatives are either nurses, teachers or into business or marketing. Growing up I never did recall playing with a plastic stethoscope or toy medical apparatuses. I started pretending to be a doctor after I had set a goal for myself that I am going to pursue a medical degree.

My earliest influence is watching Doogie Howser M.D. every Friday nights on TV. Remember that now defunct TV show which starred Neil Patrick Harris (now famous as Barney Stintson from How I Met Your Mother) as a child prodigy who got his medical degree when he was fourteen and was already a surgical resident in his adolescent years. I was inspired by the character's intelligence and skill that after every episode I envisioned myself as a doctor when I grow up - white coat, a name plate and a real stethoscope hanging by my neck.

As I entered elementary school I would still blurt out the same answer every time I am asked at school with the same question. But as I grew older I began to read a lot of encyclopedias and books that I was very much interested in medical research and infectious diseases. It was my very ambitious goal of epic proportions to be able to find a cure for cancer when I was eleven. When relatives and "kumpares" of my parents would warn me about the long period of being in the academe in order to obtain a diploma to be a doctor of medicine plus residency and specializations, I was more determined than ever and poised myself to a long and winding road of textbooks and burning the midnight candle in the future.

When high school started it was still my number one option to get a para medical degree or a pre med degree. However it was during at this time that I had began toying at the idea of looking for an alternative career other than being a doctor. When I was thirteen my geek love affair with the movies started. I explored different genres of movies, read a lot of articles about film making online and watched movies every week - in the cinemas or rent a couple of VHS tapes during the weekend. I wanted to be a filmmaker or a screenwriter. But raised with a practical mindset by my parents, I shrugged off those fashionable ambitions and labeled them as delusions of grandeur. Let's be a honest working in the world of film here in the Philippines does not really give you a clear path ahead unless you already have some connections in the industry in the first place.

During the summer before senior year in high school, I spent most of those hot humid days watching episodes of "The Practice". I got so much into it and thought that the court room is riveting and full of verbal action. Now I wanted to be a lawyer as well! I told my parents about it but at that time they were accepting but were not that supportive. But still they told me I should pick a course that I really want to major in. After a week of contemplation I ended up taking a paramedical course. With a little bit of insight from my parents they swayed me by talking about the financial stability of a doctor and even if I won't pursue post graduate studies being a medical technologist isn't that bad. So I went it and enrolled. I was a lazy ass during that summer anyway what finally sealed the deal was that you don't need to take an entrance exam to be able to get in the college - a photocopy of both your birth certificate and report card from high school will do. So I never became a lawyer. Every time I am sulking up or drunk I always tell people most of the time that if I did not pursue being a doctor I might have ended up in law school or taught history or English literature to high school students. I feel a part of me victorious of the fact that one of my best friends became a lawyer.

College went by so fast. I mean the first semester I was miserable. I missed the old comforting familiarity of high school. I missed my friends. I hate taking up twenty eight units and having a tight schedule everyday with breaks only for lunch. I envied my friends who only have two or three classes a day. I wanted to party a lot every weekend but couldn't due to school work or ROTC every Sunday. I wanted to shift to another college. But I always know that I am not a quitter and I only know when to quit when it is deemed life threatening. But every thing changed when I met new people from my course and we started hanging out a lot. We made our own memories, started our own traditions and just enjoyed every thing about college together.

During my internship for medical technology, I was totally exposed to a whole new different light of the profession. I worked with the most helpful and accommodating laboratory technicians that have exemplified the integrity and prestige of the profession. My one month rotation in VCMC made me realize that I still can have a great career even if I won't proceed to medical school. My twelve months internship made me grow and love the course I finished that I decided to take the board examinations and maybe practice as a medical technologist then go overseas for greener pastures.

After working as a volunteer in VSMMC laboratory I was bored. In just a span of three months every thing became routine. From blood testing to microbiological studies, I felt that I could do more. So I quit, went on a hiatus and finally decided that this is it! I am enrolling in medical school. I applied, got accepted and graduated medical school after four grueling years of examinations, dissections, rotations which consisted of sleepless nights, self-doubt and a lot of drama. I shall leave it at that. All the experiences in medical school will surmount to a couple of blog posts.

Now here I am, just passed the medical board examinations two months ago. Officially a licensed doctor. I already have my own license and two additional initials to be forever attached to my name, till death do us part! I am proud of myself. But somehow after ten years of studying, two years worth of hospital internships and one year of reviewing it is not as fulfilling as you would've thought it would be ten years back. Sometimes I wake up empty and confused on whether I have wasted those precious years.

Being a doctor or studying medicine at least is like being sucked in a super massive black hole. It never ends. This time it is all about residency options - to start right away, wait a year or never train at all and then dealing with rejections and more uncertainties. Oh well I guess that's what is constant about life.

I have given myself a month to withdraw from every one else and I sound ungrateful of such prestige and privilege entitled to me. Yes I am very grateful that I had become a doctor. Though right now I do not embody such character I will become a doctor. I realize that all I need is time and with time every thing else will come into place no matter how chaotic every thing is somehow it will all fall into place if it is meant to be. I can do this.