Would've Been

Lola Naring would've been 91 years old. She died six years ago on this exact date at around before lunch time in her sleep. She was my great-grandmother on the maternal side. Since we were growing up with both a grandmother and a great-grandmother, to avoid confusion we called her "Lola", like our parents did and our grandmother "grandma".

I  found out about the news after waking up I went downstairs and my mother told me about while she was baking goodies for Christmas Eve. I guess that was a shock but I really didn't grasp it yet. That was the saddest Christmas. I mean, Christmas and caskets don't actually and will never be in the same sentence. We never felt it that much during Christmas Eve since the usual dinner and festivities were already planned, it just that after dinner and before opening of the gifts there was a vigil to be done.

I was in denial the whole time. As if I was watching a soap opera with all the things happening. So I spent most my time staying at home, surfing the Internet or just watching movies and window shopping. I don't want to process it.

Her funeral was held on New Year's Eve because most of the relatives didn't want to usher the new year with grief. It's as if a gesture so that everybody can have a fresh start on the new year. That was the time that I finally was able to accept everything that has happened during the past nine days. New Year's Eve dinner that year consisted of only spaghetti and chicken since we weren't able to prepare along with the usual traditional fruits and round pastries for good luck. That year was memorable but not in a very good light.

My fondest memories of Lola were sleeping at her bed, rummaging through her books and magazines (she really read a lot and she got most of her books from the second hand shop, a trait which I got) and receiving Christmas gifts from her that she actually made.

Her death made me appreciate Christmas every year since then. They say that every happening has a purpose, well I guess I can conclude that the purpose of her death was to actually revitalize my zest for life. That time I was about to downward spiral into an abyss of uncontrollable melancholia. It was something I can't fight no matter how hard I tried. When she died I was able to fight a lot stronger but 10 months later I eventually entered the black hole but I came through thanks to the memory of her and the thought of my friends and family. Maybe it was just too much emo and overacting but honestly I couldn't find a logical explanation why I suddenly felt sad. Her death could have triggered it but I know for sure her death delayed the transition.. The most profound theory I could come up is it was undiagnosed depression probably due to stress and an impending burn out.

I have learn to celebrate Christmas all out after she died and I am ever thankful for the support and love of family and friends.

Six years have passed and four of your great grandchildren already finished college, two of which are pursuing careers in medical field by putting up through med school and the rest are well behaved and educated. You'll be proud! She always claimed that she will still be alive the time I graduate from med school. She would've been 93.

Rest in peace Lola! You've already lived a colorful life from surviving the Great Depression, fighting and protecting children during World War 2, being widowed and remarrying again, losing a son and watching your clan grow. I'll never forget you. Thank you for the lessons learned.